I've decided to start writing. Not just for my own piece of mind, but for those after me who are in the same spot. I've been on the school newspaper, given awards for my creative writing. Written a book with a friend while we were in high school that never got around to being typed or even considered for publish...and maybe someday I'll get around to publishing a book on what it'd be like to be president- (or blog about it at least!)
I am 19 years old with a Bachelor's degree. I've never taken a break from school, but since my moving out to be with my fiance I never realized how tough this would be.
Five months without a job, and for someone like me, who never stopped moving, I've come to find the once relaxing peace of the apartment that allowed me to finish my school work now more brutally deafening than hearing the neighbors' next door walking around on an uneven floor.
I live in a small town. It's primarily old, rich white people- and in the center, where the main street runs, above the little town shops, is where I live. It's quaint, humble- a minimalists dream. I am quite happy. I have met the love of my life, I have been given a great education, have a great relationship now with my family, as well as his; and yet only one thing is missing. A job.
You never truly realize how much of who you are relies in school when you no longer have school as part of your identity. College can teach you about being an adult, I even took a class on managing personal finances, as well as "employment strategies"- they gave me a good book, but it doesn't come close to true in the real world. I slowly start believing that this is a game, and more than anything; it's rigged. People are lucky or they aren't. You could have all the education in the world and it wouldn't make a difference.
I was fortunate enough to be with someone who already has their life figured out, his inspirational goals set and something he works towards and has room to negotiate on. Well off in his occupation; He's the hands-on person who dreams of being an inventor. He doesn't mind hard work, and sucks it up in the mean time because he knows he's going elsewhere in life.
Here I am. With a B.A. in Psychology, only had two jobs in my life, no idea what I like, or any clue as to what I can endure so long as I have hobbies. I want what everyone wants. A job I don't hate getting up in the morning to go to every day. Because job searching IS a job in and of itself. I'm lucky that I have it in me to get dressed, or even roll out of bed.
I am on this computer from the moment he leaves for work to whenever I look up at the clock and realize it's almost 11 at night and I haven't eaten. I go to bed late, and get up even later. I am more surprised that I have the drive to keep chugging along. I don't want to do anything, but I mindlessly apply to jobs that I know I am way overqualified for, only to be shot down, and there is always someone who is better qualified than me. I am in that strange place. Overqualified for most jobs, and under-qualified for the others. I have the talent the drive, the loyalty. But a potential employer doesn't see that, they don't know me on a personal level. I am a speck in a sea of applications all fighting for that one job I could probably do better than anyways.
I realize my attitude about this is all wrong, and that most would argue that I am too negative. But imagine being in a new town. Having no job, no connections, your fiancee is at work during the day, you're alone- at one point you had two jobs. Now you rely on your significant other for money. The car you two bought together is beyond repair because someone fixed it just enough to last for the two weeks that it was fine- just enough to sell it- and now you have a useless car that isn't worth anything. You always get lost going anywhere if he isn't driving, you already feel lost and helpless. What better than a physical representation of all the emotions you feel being projected to you. Now it's not just a nightmare, its your reality.
Laying around all day isn't fun anymore, and you don't want to clean- you're lucky to get dressed and make it out of bed! You've applied to be a volunteer, hoping that this free time you have would be useful to someone who needs it- giving you purpose and someone else's life a little pleasure. Hard to hear when even those people don't want your time, which makes you think, if your time isn't valuable for free, who's going to want to pay you?
So this is where I am at now. Hoping that someone takes that chance on you because you would bend over backwards for them. But every time I read that letter of rejection, it's less sad than typical. It's frustrating, and yet you continue on. It just takes a few hugs and acceptance from the significant other that keep you from going off the edge. It's unconditional love and an "it's all right" when you break down and crying his arms that helps keep going.
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